Shamrock Sheep

A day full of music closed in. Countless activities to keep me occupied and for the first time since I was…I don’t know….17…. I didn’t feel overwhelmed by all my choices or by all that I don’t know. For instance, what is my first day back at the middle school going to be like? I sent four weeks there student teaching in the art room. Just when I got used to everything and everyone and when they got used to me, I had to move on to my next post. 

Is it going to snow again tomorrow? Another snow day? Will my car be in the lot I left it seeing as I don’t think I have permission to leave it there. Even though it is owned by my landlord. Who by the way resembles Mr. Roper from Three’s Company (still my favorite sit-come of all time.) I sat in a slight anxious slump this morning with my laptop on my lap, in bed, aware of the fact that I left a small bag of trash outside my door. My usual habit until i I am then going outside anyway. I am such a multi-tasker. You have to be when you favor laziness- most of the time. 

Will my computer be ok. Yesterday while I was so studiously working on compiling my integrated unit lesson plan for my art ed seminar class, I some how did something very strange, by mistake. Something that resembles copying every single item on my computer onto my desk top. Like over 8,000 items. How is this possible that i even have that many “items”? ! We’re talking applications and pictures, documents, movies, clip art, icons, everything. And now my lovely microsoft word which I have depended on year after year to always work on any machine I am at, keeps crashing.  My ex told me, assured me a long time ago that Macs do not get viruses. So what is this I ask you?! I think maybe I am the virus. But I have free internet so life is good. 

I discovered or rather finally remembered to check out Pandora.com yesterday and it is amazing. I am in love. I want to put on my facebook status that “Rachel is in love with Pandora.” I save my status reports for very profound things that I want my “friends” to know about. However, with that said, I get very annoyed with the very idea that it’s there- the option to put a status. Yes, I do think it’s narcissistic . But I do believe that is what this whole site is based on. Or rather that is what drives it. Oh and of course connecting with your friends. Old and new. You know what i find kind of strange about facebook…. is… once you become “friends” with someone- there is sometimes no other communication between you and your new friend. Even if you knew each other in high school or beyond. So what is the point? I have been on both sides of it. Seen someone and gotten so excited I write on their wall or send them a message and …… nothing. What is that? You want to be my friend but not respond? Then there are those I receive messages from and never respond. Why do I do that?! Knowing that kind of responder I can be, I can see maybe one reason people are not that responsive- right away or at all. We all have so much on our plates. Every single one of us. I know that if I don’t respond right away, I never will- because it will get filed back among those things that are a “luxury”. Isn’t facebook all about reconnecting all of us again? I have been seeing people I haven’t thought about in years. People I haven’t stopped thinking about and wondering where they were. And here they all are. My camp friends, school friends and peers, co- workers, family, college friends and professors, it is never ending. And it is amazing. And back to my first amazing topic of this paragraph; Pandora. Ever not know what to listen to but you kind of feel like Frank Zappa, Nick Drake, or Nina Simone? But have no idea which one? Just type in a song or artist and the site makes a play list for you and if you hear a song you don’t like, click the thumb’s down button and it will never play that song for you again. Ever. In fact they even apologize. So far this evening I have heard Postal Service (my top 3 fav), The Be Good Tanyas, Jack Johnson, The Waifs, Emmylou Harris, Po’ Girl, Mason Jennings, Sean Hayes…. it goes on and on and it is such perfect sound. 

So with all this uncertainty- and those things mentioned above the; computer, school, landlord, they are little I know, but I know I can make them quite big if I keep blowing my anxious breath into them. Or, I can let them deflate and go flat and than eventually disappear leaving room for the things in my life that I want to and can make real, by breathing my breath, air, soul, light, life, love, energy into. 

You can make anything real that you want to.

You can make anything not real if you want to. 

Peace to you.

After months of dealing with not owning a computer, I finally own one again. Then, after weeks of trying to figure out how to sign into this account, finally tonight, I figured it out. It’s a good thing I save emails that have such important information because I really had to dig for it!

Happenings that I have been involved in…. lets see…. I have a new nephew though I had nothing to do with that of course but I am very proud and am enjoying the doting bit. I see him tomorrow. His name is Abel. He was born on the winter solstice, in a snow storm, at home, with his older, 2 year old sister watching every moment.Abel resting He is just too precious and golden!

So let’s see, I am in the thick of it with paints, oil pastels, still life set ups, smocks, paint brushes, trips to the museum, Space gallery, hanging shows, children, water, race cars covered in paint, stitching, clay, music, taxidermic animals, Lewis and Clark journals, fiber and felting…. whoa!  Since January, I have been back at the Breakwater School enjoying my internship with Kelly, the amazing art teacher and mentor I am so lucky to work with. It is never a dull moment and I have loved every bit of it. While there I have introduced and taught water books with the preschoolers, Lynne Drexler landscape painting with the kindergardeners, stitching embroidery with the 1st and 2nd graders, researching the “discovered” plants and animals of Lewis and Clark with the 3rd and 4th graders, and two felting projects with the 5th graders. I have learned a lot and it has been a blast. 

Contrast
Last week I had a day where everything seemed different. Brighter. Warmer. Fuller contrast. Everywhere I went I found delightful things around every corner. It could have been due to the fact that I was on vacation from work. Or that I was at the ocean’s edge with an adventurous 5 year old. Or maybe because I was on the verge of creating a new chapter in my life. All of these things I believe- but especially the later.

Over the last several months- Actually- for the past several years I have been collecting a kind of hard shell around my spirit. Times not knowing it- other times knowing it and needing it. But that day at the water while throwing seaweed back into the bay, discovering heart shaped stones, I realized that shell I had been wrapping around myself had started to disappear. Disintegrate even. Fall away in huge pieces and blow away like dust.

A women I seek out for guidance from time to time has told me on more than 1 occasion not to breathe life into something I do not want. It acured to me this day at the water that I finally wasn’t doing that anymore. That I had finally figured out exactly what I want for my life right now and for my future. And I was clearly on my way.

Later that day I spent several hours sifting through an enormous amount of “stuff” I have hung onto in the hopes that I would find a reason to use it. Some of it was over 10 years old. I would pick up an item and if it did not strike me as beautiful or fill me completely with warm happy memories or lend to my life in some productive way- then out it went. 5 boxes, 6 trash bags later, I could recognize my studio once again as my studio.

I think tomorrow I will start that sunset painting of Bath I’ve been promising my sister…..